The Step-by-Step Process of Moving a Parent to Senior Living
This process can feel overwhelming. Deciding that your parent’s home is no longer the RIGHT SIZE for their needs now is a struggle to a lot of people because :
it’s not a straight line
it doesn’t happen all at once, &
it doesn’t follow a schedule or a time.
Sometimes it can be fast &
some parts take forever
I have come to realize that there are some things that always unfold though. RIGHTSIZING tends to unfold in stages:
It Starts
It usually begins with noticing something isn’t quite right. There are countless things that could be examples of this, but noticing it is one of the most important things you can do for your parent. That is simply because they may not have the capacity or wherewithal to notice themselves. One family’s father said for three years that “it happens to all old people” when he couldn’t remember where he left his wallet, phone, keys, or anything for that matter. The “AHA” moment came when he forgot to turn off the stove and it ran for over a week. No one had visited over that time and, luckily, no one was hurt. We all agreed that there was no one to blame, but noticing some of the small things could have prevented this from happening. At this point, you are not making a decision, but you are being aware.
What Happens Next
After little things are noticed, it’s important to start conversations. These conversations are not always perfectly, but they start. You want to pre-talk with all key family members. Once the conversation starts and arguments are had, there is usually a mutual agreement that something it wrong.
From there, families begin talking with neighbors and other people close to them. I’ve had one family talk to the mailman because he saw their mother every day when she was sitting on the porch in a sweater and coat in July. At some point, you’ll want to meet with health professionals who can sometimes diagnose something specific. You may not know exactly what it is, but you now how someone else who is aware and can offer guidance. exploring options, learning what’s available, figuring out what might make sense.
Logistics
Planning begins once it determined that there must be a change. Most families start exploring options for the home. The discussion and eventual decision is the beginning. The home is likely the biggest decision, but others are imminent:
Who - Hiring pros to help with all stages of the decision
What - Level of care needed, is a budget for the home, etc.
Where - Learning what’s available, where in town is best, etc.
When - Making a timeline to move, scheduling tours, etc.
Where Things Become Real
Assembling all of the right legal documents is a process that is sometimes hard. Some may have not been filled out and others might be hard to find. Gathering all of these things is monotonous, but essential. The fact that it’s hard is one factor to it becoming “real.” Once families start the get their “hands dirty” by sorting, cleaning, and making decisions on the “stuff.” This is the second step where it is “real-er.” All of these things shift from abstract to real.
The Move Itself
The move is often the part people focus on the most because everyone has moved. This is also the simplest part of the process. It is probably the only part of the process where it’s all body and no mind.
What Comes After
After your mom or dad is moved in, there is an adjustment period. Sometimes this adjustment is smooth and other times it takes time. Some of the adjustments are things you’d never think about:
different channel lineup on the TV,
the heating and air condition controls are different, and
the inability to just get up and take a walk.
One of the most surprising things I’ve learned is that a lot of these places are very much like high school. There are cliques that have been formed, tables in the dining room for certain people, and even some flirting.
The important thing to remember is that this adjustment is normal. The staff at these places are highly trained and have incredible patience. It probably is harder as an outsider than it is for your parents.